Are You Helping or Enabling?
Thoughts on Some Selfish Reasons for Enabling Behaviour
If your version of being supportive, kindness or keeping the peace involves lying, enabling bad behaviour or denying people consequences, it might be time to take a good long look in the mirror. I’ve put together some thoughts on why we enable people, have a butcher’s.
Why is it that when we enable other people, we often believe we’re being virtuous? We label our inaction and passivity as “patience” and “kindness” while we tolerate harmful behaviour. The language used is typically gentle and “well-meaning”, but the reality is destructive.
We look to avoid conflict and temporary discomfort because we want to avoid the consequences that come with it, so we convince ourselves it’s empathy and sympathising with their circumstances. We call it compassion.
We don’t want to take on the responsibility that comes with setting boundaries, so we enable them. I submit to you that we’re not doing it for them, we’re doing it for ourselves. Calling people out and standing firm regardless of how uncomfortable we feel takes a serious backbone.
Rather than have the necessary difficult conversations, we’d rather go along with the status quo because of how we think we’d be perceived - as mean, unkind or simply because we want to “keep the peace”. I wish we’d be honest with ourselves: we enable others for us, not for them.
Idiot Compassion
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that a Buddhist master labelled this behaviour Idiot Compassion. I’m being so serious.
Idiot compassion. Generally speaking, it’s the tendency to give people what they want rather than what they need because we don’t want to rock the boat. The real question is why we don’t want to “rock the boat” if we know that it is in our and those around us’ best interests.
I’d like us to consider the possibility that it’s fuelled by ego. I.e. we don’t want to be seen as the mean/bad person. If your identity is built on being “nice”, the disapproval that may come as a result of “rocking the boat” may be too much to bear. So you’d rather protect your ego.
I also reckon that some of us gain a sense of validation from being that person that other people need. It makes us feel important. Needed. Necessary. If they genuinely solved their problems, why would they need us? The relationship would have to evolve and we may not like what it becomes.
Don’t say it too loudly but could it be that some of us enable other people’s behaviour because we’ve adopted a position of moral superiority? We don’t hold them to higher standards because we believe they’re incapable Or maybe we put up with their behaviour because we believe we’re the hero and they the villain?
“Look at how much I put up with”, “Look at how patient I’ve been” - maybe their dysfunction allows us to maintain the facade of us being the mature one with our act together. Maybe. So rather than challenge their behaviour, we “understand” it. We give “grace” instead of telling the truth.
Additional Thoughts
I don’t want to give the impression that I lack sympathy for people who don’t willingly enable other people. Not all enabling is a chosen, conscious decision. Yes ego and validation can contribute to it but they’re not the only drivers.
Sometimes, it’s a survival strategy or it comes from a place of trauma or fear. In these situations, they’re not trying to be nice or be the hero, they’re simply trying to make it through without incident. If you or anyone you know is in this position, PLEASE seek professional help. Please.
There are also genuine circumstances in which we choose to enable, but we don’t do so willingly. Think of those of us who report to incompetent managers, or even worse, bullies. Where they hold the key to our employment and potentially short-term financial futures, we might enable them just for security.
Where there’s a power imbalance, setting boundaries or calling out behaviour may be a big ask due to potential consequences. It’s not simply a matter of rocking the boat; our physical, emotional, financial, mental safety could be at risk.
Concluding
At its core, trying to identify why we enable people was always going to be complex. It’s rarely ever just one reason and for each of us I reckon it sits somewhere on a spectrum between choice and circumstance. For some, it is a pattern of behaviour shaped by ego - the need to be needed, validated or to be the martyr.
For some, a survival strategy in situations that may feel unsafe or outside their control. Enabling may be the least painful option among difficult alternatives. If we took an honest look at our own lives, I reckon we’ll find moments where we stood at different points along that spectrum and enabled behaviour.
However, I will say that what truly matters is self-awareness. Learning to recognise what is truly driving our behaviour in real time and the influence it has on our lives. Enabling others, regardless of the underlying reason, keeps both them and us stuck.
Real compassion for others isn’t simply being kind in the moment, it also involves having the courage to follow through on what’s good for them in the long run. Compassion isn’t measured by how much we tolerate or endure, but how our presence influences others positively and helps them.
As aways, make a decision that future you will be grateful for.
Have a great weekend!
CT
