Don't Settle, Date with Intention

Protect Your Time, Heart & Future this Valentine's Day

Let me level with you, for a while I hated when women…people claimed they were “dating with intention”. It was a soundbite that caught fire sometime in 2021 and whenever I asked for it to be explained to me, the explanation always lacked. Apparently, it was a way to “filter” out who was serious by letting them know you were “dating with intention” but in reality, all the unserious men…people had to say was “me too” to render your filter faulty.

Ah, Valentine’s Day, the annual parade of heart-shaped chocolates, florists making a killing on over-priced roses, men debating the point of this “nonsensical capitalist celebration” and women oppressing us with their Valentine’s Day Instagram posts. Love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day has a way of putting the spotlight on our relationship status and dating lives (or lack of). Regardless of your stance on Valentine’s Day, I think it’s worth exploring our approach to dating.

I could be wrong but to my memory, we’re not exactly taught how to date. Well, I wasn’t. It’s basically vibes, a whole load of trial and error, sprinkled with hope, wishful thinking and luck. Over the last two to three years or so, I committed to learning about relationships, love and how to navigate these things. Just as you would upskill in other facets of life (work, business, property etc), I figured clearly I’d approach dating/love with a learning mindset.

Dating at the moment often feels like a game and a numbers-driven activity rather than an organic and intentional connection-driven activity. Swipe left, swipe right, swipe up, swipe down and hopefully you wade through the online dating marketplace and find a bargain. For the record, I am fundamentally against dating apps as I hate what they have reduced dating to but I understand why people use them. I repeat, I UNDERSTAND.

Dating platforms absolutely have their benefits but I believe they’ve made dating harder rather than the other way round. Just like how social media has its benefits but it’s somehow made people meaner and more antisocial. I’m keen to remind you that while dating apps may originally have been to find love, they now exist to provide a return on investment to investors. I hate to be (actually I don’t mind being) that guy but if they really cared that much about you finding love, why on earth is there a premium paid-for version?

Anyway, I digress. I believe in dating with intention. It is NOT a quick fix. To be honest, it can be a bit of a slow burner (but let's not put time constraints on God’s work). It’s no longer about covering our dating errors with a fancy soundbite that relieves us of accountability. It’s no longer about blaming everyone else for the state of our dating lives. Today’s newsletter sheds light on what dating with intention really is and how to go about navigating it. Enjoy!

What does “Dating with Intention” even mean?

On the surface, it means approaching dating with a clear mind and a defined purpose. It’s a mindset that ensures our choices in dating are guided by clarity about who we are and where we’re heading. It’s about understanding our values, desires and non-negotiables in a partner. It’s about learning to cut through the faff by remaining rooted in our principles and purpose and identifying if a partner will help us on the journey or hinder us.

At its core, dating with intention is about knowing ourselves. Knowing who we are and what we want from life and not settling for anything less - including a partner. Too often, what we say we want doesn’t match our actions. Similarly, we say we want someone of a certain ilk but waste time with people who aren’t of that ilk under the guise of hoping they will change. I can hold my hands up here and say I was one of those people.

Why is it even necessary?

Well, referring to scripture as the foundation, in Genesis 24:3-4 (NIV) Abraham was speaking to one of his trusted servants and he said to him, “I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac.”. The Bible makes it clear we can’t and shouldn’t just date or marry anyhow but let me make it more tangible:

It Protects Purpose

Relationships aren’t just for personal fulfilment or to plug holes in our lives. I believe they are designed for mutual growth and kingdom work. I’d like to believe that whenever we date it is primarily for marriage so dating with intention means we seek out someone who can join us in fulfilling God’s calling for our lives. Purpose isn’t just about what we do but also about who we become.

The people we allow into our lives but especially who we date have a profound impact on who we become. Dating without intention leads to distractions, situationships and compromises that pull us away from purpose. Misaligned relationships can derail us and take us away from the Promised Land. I believe relationships should always be centered around seeking the Kingdom first as instructed in Matthew 6:33.

It’s Empowering

As opposed to being at the mercy of some mad person’s whims, being led by societal expectations or the fear of loneliness, dating with intention ensures our choices are our choices. When we date with intention, we embrace our worth rather than let it be dictated by someone else. Recognising that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14), we can firmly walk away from situations that diminish our value or compromise our identity.

People who struggle with accountability or operate with a victim mentality will likely find it hard to date with intention because intentionality requires personal responsibility. It’s easier to blame others or circumstances for romantic failures as it allows them to avoid the deeper work of self-reflection, growth and alignment to God’s will. If you meet someone who blames everyone else or circumstances for things going wrong in their life, run. Fast!

It Saves Time

Have you ever finally come out of a relationship/entanglement and thought to yourself, “I should have left ages ago”? While the end often comes with relief for finally being able to pull the trigger, it’s also often accompanied by feeling emotionally drained, disillusioned and disappointed. Wasted time in relationships often also includes wasted emotional energy, opportunities for growth and opportunities to meet the right person.

Dating with intention provides us with a framework to discern whether a potential relationship aligns with what is needed in our lives. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment but dating with intention ensures we have the journey and destination at the forefront of our minds rather than what we see right now. Dating with intention protects us from becoming attached to people who aren’t aligned with our life goals…regardless of how “nice” it feels in the moment.

It Prevents Frustration

A lot of us feel frustrated while dating because we enter into things without a clear idea of what we truly want or need in a partner. We don’t even know our expectations so we don’t communicate them but expect who we’re dating to just know. When we approach dating with a clear sense of purpose, we eliminate much of the guesswork and ambiguity that leads to confusion and unmet expectations.

To date with intention is to date with wisdom. Looking back, hoping that someone would change or magically align with what we want in a relationship when we didn’t make it clear at the start is often a source of frustration. Someone trying to change us mid-relationship is equally as frustrating. Do yourself a favour; figure out what you want/need from a partner and communicate this immediately. Save yourself the frustration.

It Attracts the Right People

When we’re clear on our goals, values, purpose and direction, there’s a confidence that emanates from within. The intentionality sets a standard and signals to other people that we’re serious about our future. Some will be intimidated or repelled by it - which we NEED to make peace with no matter how attractive or appealing they are - while others who are similarly grounded and intentional will be drawn to it.

When our actions and decisions in dating reflect the intentionality and purpose in our hearts, filtering out the dead wood is easy. Dating with intention fine-tunes our radar, making it easier to identify who’s right for you and who isn’t. The authenticity that comes with self-assuredness and feeling comfortable in our own skin makes us more attractive to potential partners who find it refreshing and are seeking genuine connections.

How to Date with Intention

I think it starts with ridding ourselves of the belief that we are unable to live full and fulfilling lives without a partner. The fear of loneliness or having no one to call our own, especially for those of us who want children, tends to increase as we get older and our intentionality tends to diminish as a result. I’m in no way suggesting we stop dating or lose sight of opportunities to meet a partner, I’m suggesting we don’t anchor our futures on having a partner.

The Bible and history have taught us repeatedly that people can go on to do great things and change the world without a partner. There’s also peace of mind that comes with it which is freeing. It’s not a coincidence that people in relationships love to tell us “It happens when you least expect it”. It sometimes feels like it’s convenient for them to say it but I actually believe them.

Anyway, here are some other practical steps to date with intention:

Clear Vision

We NEED to have a clear vision for our lives including what we’re willing and unwilling to compromise on. This acts as our guide. I genuinely believe if we’re unable to articulate where we’re heading in life we aren’t ready to date. Without a clear vision, dating often becomes a series of aimless interactions with compatibility based on feelings and vibes rather than shared principles or direction.

N.B.: Men, specifically those who believe they are the de facto leaders, without a clear vision of where you are headed or where you are leading a woman/family, what exactly do you expect them to yield or submit to? Your feelings?

Identify Exactly What You Want

This is the foundation of dating with intention. These are the standards potential candidates are measured against. What are our “must-haves” and “deal-breakers”? Identify them in detail and ensure they align with our faith, purpose and vision. Taking it a step further, we can also identify our “nice-to-haves” which are the things we’re willing to compromise on. Just as importantly though, we NEED to identify our relationship goals (i.e. marriage, kids, cohabitation, casual dating etc).

Wholeness

I believe finding a partner should be to complement and enhance our existing wholeness rather than make us feel whole/complete. Thinking a partner will “complete” us often leads to unhealthy codependency and unbalanced relationships. As Christians, we are reminded that we have been brought to fullness in Christ (Colossians 2:10) so I’d like us to consider the idea that seeking wholeness in relationships is a form of sin.

A healthy relationship should enhance and not define our sense of self. Love should flow freely in giving and receiving absent of transactions or keeping score. Wholeness is finding our identity, fulfilment and purpose in Christ and it frees us to love openly, wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

Communication & Transparency

As long as we’re clear on the vision for our lives and we know exactly what we want, we have to be willing to communicate this to potential partners from the beginning. Transparency builds trust and ensures you’re on the same page. It also prevents people from saying, “I didn’t know”. Our purpose, faith and life goals should not be jeopardised and we should be thanking people who make us feel like we’re asking for too much. They’ve unintentionally saved us from them.

Trust God’s Timing

Rushing into a relationship can lead to unnecessary heartache. Similarly, dragging our feet when it comes to dating or getting into a relationship can lead to us missing “the one”. We need to be patient and trust that God is working behind the scenes to present us with the right person. Society is geared towards instant gratification but remember Jacob had to work for 14 years to marry Rachel.

N. B.: I am not suggesting you should wait 14 years but rather lean on Ecclesiastes 3 where it is made clear there is a time for everything. Specifically Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NKJV), “He has made everything beautiful in its time”.

Be Willing to Walk Away

This is essential when dating with intention. As a previous resident of the “hoping they will change” city, I can say with confidence that our unwillingness to walk away from an attachment that is not aligned with our vision or purpose can compromise our assignment. I also want us to explore the possibility that our inability to walk away means we’re settling for less than what God has for us and is a reflection of how we see ourselves and how we think God sees us.

Walking away isn’t easy. It requires clarity and courage but ultimately is an act of self-love and trust in God. Once we identify a relationship isn’t right for us and we’re willing to leave, we demonstrate self-respect and set the tone for healthy dating moving forward as we prove to ourselves we’re unwilling to settle for less than.

N. B.: It is possible to walk away early or walk away from a relationship that’s right for you. Pray for discernment. Be careful who you get counsel from, as they are not in the relationship with you nor are they experiencing YOU like your partner is.

Word of Caution

Before wrapping things up, I wanted to leave you with a word of caution. I went back and forth with myself on whether I should include it but here goes:

Love Bombing is the antithesis of dating with intention.

It’s easy to get caught up with someone who showers us with excessive affection and grand gestures early on, especially in our moments of lack or when we’re not whole. The intense nature of it often feels exciting at first and it’s easy to think “Wow they’re so intentional” (and they might be) but it can cloud our judgement and could just be a means to an end - to drop your guard. Feeling like the centre of someone’s world is a nice feeling but we need discernment. We need to be able to see beyond the surface and evaluate the person’s character.

I might be on my own on this but I don’t believe all “love bombing” is malicious, I think SOME people just don’t know better and sadly others suffer as a result. That being said, I do think the majority is and is in direct response to “I’m dating with intention” becoming a tagline that wasn’t well thought out. If they’re rushing to claim you as the one, it might be time to pause and take stock of what’s actually happening. Discernment.

1 John 4:1 (NIV): “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”. While this verse speaks on false prophets, pay attention to the first part; “...do not believe every spirit…”.

Concluding

As we approach the time of heart-shaped balloons and childish teddy bears, remember this; dating with intention isn’t just a trend or sound bite, it’s a game changer. Healthy relationships elevate us and we get better by default with the right person but we have to date with intention to find that person. Spare a thought for people spending Valentine’s Day with people undeserving of their time.

Dating with intention isn’t about creating a rigid checklist or hoops for people to jump through. It’s about recognising that everything in life, everything we are is by design so we need to align our romantic lives with the purpose for our lives. It’s about seeking a partner who complements our journey rather than complicates or compromises it.

With everything else, I believe we can take control of our love lives and curate relationships that are full and fulfilling but in order for us to do this we have to believe it is possible and we have to believe we are capable. Without intention, we will continue to be at the mercy of others and their whims. Let’s start making decisions that we know align with our purpose and God’s will.

As always, make a decision that future you will be grateful for.

Happy Valentine’s Day and if no Valentine this year, we go again in 365 days!

Love,

CT

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