Loving with Intention

No it's not a typo 😉

Four days on from Valentine’s Day and I’ve been thinking about the annual debate people have around the importance of Valentine’s Day vs why we shouldn’t care for it. I’ll be honest, I used to be on the “Valentine’s Day is capitalist propaganda” train but as I’ve got older and become much more thoughtful about relationships and love, I recognise that it’s okay for us to want to feel special on that day. I mean we could do a deep dive into why we have an incessant need for validation on one particular day in the year but we’ll leave that for another day. Today’s newsletter isn’t even about Valentine’s Day, it's about love; a fundamental human need and why we should be intentional about it.

Did you have a Valentine's this year? If not, don’t worry we go again next year. Only 362 days to go (it’s a leap year this year you nerd). I came across this thread which started off with the author telling us he and his wife do not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Fair enough I thought, as long as you’re both in sync with regards to this that makes perfect sense. Only for him to proceed to tell us that in fact, they do always spend February 14th together, doing something cool, and exchanging gifts…which begs the question, “What exactly does he think other couples do on Valentine’s Day?”

N.B.: Let the record show that I really admire Suli. He’s inspirational and someone I really respect but the contradiction made me chuckle and was too enticing to resist.

Anyway, let’s delve into today’s newsletter; Loving With Intention. There is a profound aspect of personal development that doesn’t get spoken about enough; love. Self-love, self-care etc have become buzzwords in recent years but the potent power of love is intrinsically linked to the intention behind it. To love with intention, we need to be deliberate with our approach to how we love ourselves and others ensuring mindfulness and purpose are taken into consideration. To love with intention is to recognise the significance of our interactions internally and externally, infusing them with empathy, compassion, honesty and authenticity. To love with intention is to consciously choose to express love through our thoughts, words and deeds. It’s about understanding the needs and desires of others and aligning our behaviour to nurture those needs.

Why is loving with intention so important though?

I believe it’s a way of life that we need to adopt. I often imagine a world where kindness, respect and understanding are the guiding principles of all interactions. In this imagined world, the ego is stripped away. We lead with compassion and empathy. Conflict is diminished. We forge deeper and more intimate connections. And above all else, we live more harmonious and fulfilling lives.

Do feel free to call me a dreamer, I (very) often feel like one. But I genuinely believe in the possibility of such a world and to play my part in it, I had to adapt my way of life to embrace these principles. You know that old cliche:

Be the change you want to see

Don’t get me wrong, it’s easier said than done but the payoff is worth it. My connections with people are deeper and more fulfilling. Those principles tend to get reciprocated and when violated, I voice them immediately. Being intentional about love requires we examine various aspects of our lives and relationships, analyse our choices and refine areas for improvement. Here are some areas where we need to love with intention:

Self-Love

In order to love others fully and authentically, we must first learn to love ourselves. Not in the buzzwordy, social media, therapy speak, cut-everyone-off type of way; moreso practising self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries as well as nurturing our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Self-love serves as the foundation on which our capacity to love others is built. When we love ourselves we strip away the masks we wear and show up as our genuine selves.

In the Bible, Jesus was asked what the most important of all the commandments is. Note the question was asked for a single commandment. Jesus answered that the most important was to love God with our entire being but then He followed up by saying the second most important commandment is to “love your neighbour as yourself” (Mark 12:28-31). We cannot afford to let the gravity of this be lost on us; in order to love others fully, we have to love ourselves.

For the record, self-love is not selfish (depending on how it’s acted out in reality of course); it is the cornerstone of healthy and fulfilling relationships. A quick and easy way to be intentional about self-love is to be kind in how we speak to ourselves. A step further is to continually positively affirm ourselves and our abilities.

Friendships

In order to foster genuine connections with people platonically, we have to love with intention. It strengthens bonds of friendship, creating a sense of belonging and camaraderie. By being intentional, we can develop a deeper understanding and appreciation for ourselves and our unique qualities and experiences. It helps cultivate a space for open and honest communication. We feel supported, valued, respected and included. When we genuinely care about each other’s well-being we offer gentle guidance, encouragement and constructive and honest feedback. We provide accountability. We celebrate and champion each other, we show up for each other, we respect each other’s boundaries and we solidify a foundation of trust that allows our relationship to thrive.

An easy way to express intentional love to our friends is to actively listen. This is a communication technique that goes beyond just hearing the words spoken, it requires genuine engagement and empathy to comprehend the speaker’s message, mood, feelings and perspective. I find that a lot of people listen to respond so they unconsciously focus on singular parts of a message and focus their response on that. This is particularly problematic when emotions are heightened making navigating conflict and resolving misunderstandings more difficult than it needs to be.

Community

Loving with intention strengthens our community by helping foster meaningful connections and relationships among its members. This is particularly important to me as I work on building my Figuring Out Fatherhood and Living With Intention communities. When we prioritize empathy, respect, kindness and understanding in our interactions we’re able to create a sense of unity that binds us together. Loving with intention within communities is embracing the diversity of its members and recognizing the inherent worth of all individuals ensuring they all feel accepted, valued, worthy and included.

A quick and easy way to be intentional about love within our communities is to practice kindness. Make a conscious effort to perform acts of kindness towards others in our communities. This could be helping our neighbours with their shopping or sharing a social media post. Another way (though not necessarily quick or easy) is to volunteer our time and skills; helping out at soup kitchens, providing mentorship to young people, serving in church etc, these all represent meaningful contributions to our communities.

Romantic Relationships

I mean, I shouldn’t even have to write about this but for the “why-should-I-celebrate-Valentine’s-Day” brigade out there, I will. Loving with intention is crucial for cultivating mutual happiness. I like to use the term equity. When you love your partner with intention think of it like making deposits into your relationship account. No, this is not to be used as a bargaining chip or to make gestures transactional (thinking along the lines of “remember when I did this for you” to get your way, this is NOT what I am talking about). Loving with intention is pouring into your relationship, building up a store of equity so they feel safer and more secure in the relationship because you consistently choose to love them how they want to be loved. What might be an empty gesture to you could mean the world to them and vice versa.

When you love your partner with intention, you foster a deeper and more meaningful connection. You build up stores of trust, you encourage personal growth and development and above all else you strengthen and reinforce your commitment and dedication to your partner and relationship. By consciously choosing to prioritize your partner’s well-being and happiness, you affirm your commitment.

Let me tell you something about Valentine’s Day. It’s genuinely a quick win. Sadly social media has made the Day somewhat oppressive but if your partner is basing your relationship or comparing it to what they see on social media, difficult conversations need to be had. If you have a sensible partner, who recognises that you’re not much of a Valentine’s Day person but you have gone out of your way to acknowledge that day and/or make it special, believe me, you have just made a big, fat deposit into their emotional bank account. It took me years to recognise this and it only dawned on me (I can’t tell you when I figured this out, I’m quite embarrassed) that arguing and refusing to acknowledge a day they want to be made to feel special is draining the account.

Put simply:

They have made it clear it is an important day for them. You decide nope, it is not an important day and it shouldn’t be to them.

Interpretation

I have made my desire known and expressed how happy it would make me. They have intentionally decided not to do what would make me happy.

The best way you can love a partner with intention is to recognise how they want to be loved and just do it. It’s easy to love a partner how we want to be loved but how we want to be loved could be meaningless to them. We’re effectively throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks rather than just doing what they want.

N.B.: I recognise no one wants to feel like they’re being taken advantage of. I recognise that sometimes we’re getting less than we put in when it comes to relationships. However, I believe that successful relationships are built on selflessness and not holding back any love we have to give.

Concluding

Put simply, to love with intention is to focus on why we do the things we do out of love as opposed to doing things on autopilot. One thing the majority of successful relationships (I’m aware of) do is love with intention. Ironically something that occurs in new relationships but slowly fizzles out as routine sets in. Remember that love is far more than just a feeling, it’s a verb. It’s a choice we have to make daily. There is no room for selfishness in love. By choosing to love with intention, we foster deeper connections, create a more fulfilling life, cultivate joy and contribute to a more loving world. Start loving with intention today, few things you choose to do will ever be as rewarding.

Also, please love your family with intention. I know I didn’t mention this earlier on, but please do.

As always, make a decision that future you will be grateful for.

With love,

CT