The Mirror Doesn't Lie

Are You Avoiding Your Blindspots?

Has someone ever given you feedback or criticised you in a way that made you think “It can’t be me you’re talking about”? Lool same. Or maybe you’ve given someone feedback and they’ve spun one nasty explanation? Are we really open to feedback or do we just want to be told nicely how perfect we are?

“I wasn’t myself”, “That’s not who I am”, “Everyone else is sensitive”, “You’re overreacting”, “You’re taking it the wrong way”, “I was just being honest”, “I didn’t mean to…”, “You always think the worst of me”, “I’m actually a good person” - examples of phrases that come naturally to us when we’re confronted with our shortcomings (i.e. when a mirror is held up to us).

I shuddered typing those out because they’re phrases also commonly used by people who cause others harm, but I digress. We instinctively justify our behaviour because we genuinely believe it to be true. In our minds, we knew our intentions: what we meant to do, or say or the person we were trying to be, but we forget that people experience our impact, not our intentions.

Most of us like to think we’re self-aware. We think we understand how we come across, how we make others feel and what drives our actions. What we don’t realise is there’s often a gap between how we see ourselves and how we actually show up in the world. The gap is called a Blindspot.

N.B.: In the spirit of balance, I offer up the possibility that some people experience our actions through the lens of their past experiences, conditioning and/or trauma which can distort neutral interactions into something they don’t need to be. That doesn’t erase the reality of how we made them feel. Two truths can coexist so please don’t deny other people’s realities and experiences of you 🫵🏾.

The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge

- Stephen Hawking

Receiving Criticism

We tend to have a self-compassionate view of ourselves because we live inside our own heads. We’re privy to every thought, every feeling, every noble intention, every extenuating circumstance, to any and everything that shapes our choices.

We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We judge ourselves through the lens of context and conclude our behaviour is situational and not a representation of us. For me, simple justifications of bad behaviour rarely hold any weight. The explanation doesn’t undo the impact, and finding ourselves repeating explanations signals a pattern of behaviour to me, not a situational one-off.

Blindspots are one of the reasons many of us struggle to take criticism. Our blindspots double up as defensive walls protecting our self-image, and criticism - constructive or otherwise - feels like an attack on those walls. Criticism typically focuses on our impact, while we judge ourselves by our intentions.

When someone criticises our actions (the impact), we typically refute what we’re told with our intentions. For example, someone says to us, “You were rude”, we respond with “I was just being honest”. Or how about a partner says, “I don’t like it when you behave this way when we’re out”, and we argue, “That’s not fair! I was just being friendly”.

When someone’s lived experience of us collides with our preferred reality, we tend to perceive it as factually incorrect, or worse yet, malicious. This makes it impossible to genuinely accept the feedback, and frustrating for the person giving it. We reject the criticism not because it’s wrong, but because it challenges our self-perception.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I have it all worked out. I’ve received feedback that’s left me seething for days. I’ve also committed the crime of getting defensive and combative because I felt attacked. Growth, for me, was realising I didn’t like what I heard because it didn’t match the story I told myself.

I’d also like us to consider the possibility that some of us never learnt how to receive criticism.

African parents, please sit up and pay close attention.

Unsafe Criticism

When criticism or feedback received growing up was harsh, aggressive or laced with personal attacks, we learn to defend and protect the self. Often perpetrated as anger, shouting, withdrawing affection, or labelling the child rather than addressing specific behaviour, we internalise the idea that correction equals danger, shame or rejection.

In response, we learn to protect ourselves in order to survive, and this typically takes the form of defending, denying, deflecting or completely shutting down. In adulthood, we react similarly: we withdraw, we deny, we defend and at it’s worst, we attack - even if the person giving feedback is gentle.

This behaviour fuels our blindspots because we can’t see ourselves clearly when someone else points it out as it feels threatening.

Absence of Criticism

Let’s flip the script and address those of us who barely received correction, criticism or feedback. Some people learned to game the system EARLY. Typically they excelled academically, followed rules and stayed out of trouble. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING came easy to them.

Though it isn’t necessarily a conscious decision on anyone’s part, the end result is that we now have adults who have never had to question themselves. They’re unable to see where they went wrong, but rather the problem is everyone else. They cannot comprehend getting criticised.

Now layer that with receiving constant praise and affirmation growing up; criticism is so disconnected from their reality that it feels like an existential threat - one they have to protect themselves from.

Self-Awareness - The Antidote

I’m yet to meet someone who readily admits they lack self-awareness. Not a single soul. As recently as 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have either. Now, I recognise I’ve just about scratched the surface when it comes to gaining self-awareness.

I recognise now our blindspots aren’t simply about being self-centered or lacking emotional intelligence or empathy. They’re not always rooted in pride. But while we may not choose our blindspots, we’re responsible for whether we stay blind.

Self-awareness to me is the antidote to blindspots. It shifts our perspective from our internal, subjective experience, i.e. looking outwards from the safety inside, to the external, objective reality, i.e. looking inwards from outside. This way we can see ALL of ourselves, rather than the parts of us we want to see.

Blindspots thrive in places where they can hide; especially behind excuses, blame and justification. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt without realising this is simply self-deception. Even Netanyahu and Hitler found ways to justify their actions, regardless of how asinine we on the other side recognise them to be.

For me, true self-awareness dismantles the illusions we build around our “good” intentions, and reveals the ugly truth for us to address. To me, people that are truly self-aware understand that their intentions alone do not determine the success of their choices or actions. They recognise that the impact trumps their intentions.

When this happens, it’s evident in their behaviour. They don’t defend or justify their actions, they focus on the impact it has on other people. They recognise that what other people have to say about them isn’t an attack on identity, it’s simply valuable data to use for correction and improvement.

Concluding

I had to learn how to take criticism and boy was it difficult. What do you mean I’m not perfect? In parallel though, I had to learn how to discern between necessary feedback and people’s projections. There are some people who would rather criticise you than look internally at their own flaws.

I also had to learn to do away with self-deception. Relationships hold up a mirror to you and you can only go so long avoiding looking at it. From my perspective, the quicker we learn to embrace feedback as course correction rather than character assassination, the better.

The moment we stop defending our self-concocted image and start addressing our impact, the better equipped we are to be lifelong partners. At some point, we have to make a decision to either keep running from what we see, or learn to face it with grace.

I’ll keep it so real though: from my experience, feedback stings significantly more when it comes from a partner. It’s like “You of all people should know me and my intentions, how can you say that about me?”. But in reality, “Yes I know you more intimately than most, and I recognise the impact you have is misaligned with your intentions”.

I’m in a space now where I seek feedback fast and often. Let’s address things quickly so we don’t stay stuck. Blindspots lose their hold on us when we develop the willingness to see the entirety of us, and the courage to embrace change.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

- Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV)

As always, make a decision that future you will be grateful for.

Have a great weekend!

CT