The Selfless Life

"Be Fruitful" but What Does That Really Mean? Part 2

There’s a quiet strength that we don’t talk about enough: Selflessness. We live in a world that glamorises self-preservation, achievement and promotion and it’s easy to get sucked in to that. We’re willing to help…when it’s convenient. We’re willing to give…as long as there’s ROI. A lot of people claim to be selfless, but it often comes with conditions.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be “fruitful”. A few weeks ago, I started writing about it, and I shared the first of what I’ve now called the (wait for it)... Fruitfulness series (badum tsssssss): Resourcefulness. The instruction “Be fruitful and multiply” was given twice in the Bible, to Adam (Genesis 1:28) and Noah (Genesis 9:1); two beginnings.

To “be fruitful” I believe is to become people capable of bearing fruit, so I want to explore my thoughts on what it would take for us to be fruitful. I.e. what traits we need to cultivate within us in order to multiply. Selflessness has to be up there. Trees don’t bear fruit to consume themselves, they bear fruit for the benefit of others.

This isn’t a newsletter about generosity or kindness, kindness was already covered earlier this year (shameless plug: Kindness). No, this is a newsletter exploring a character trait that many of us claim to have, but when the sum total of our actions and behaviours is considered, we realise we’re not as selfless as we think we are.

Selflessness

On the surface, selflessness is prioritising the needs of others before ours. Not because we’re less than, not as important or indebted to others, rather it’s a manifestation of the love within us and taking after what Christ modelled to us. It comes with zero expectation of selflessness or kindness in return.

Digging a little deeper, selflessness is about prioritising other people’s well-being and needs over our immediate desires and comfort. To be considered selfless, the gestures need to be carried out without obligation. Selflessness reflects a heart of love, compassion and intentionality. It takes intention to be willing to do away with our comfort for the benefit of others.

Genuinely selfless people, to me, are that way because they recognise the abundance available to them. There’s an inner abundance they experience so they have no need to seek anything in return. When we operate from a place of lack or scarcity, we exhibit a belief that “we don’t have enough and there isn’t enough to go around or share”.

People empty inside will struggle with selflessness. They may give, but it comes with strings attached. Sadly, the strings may not even be immediately obvious. Cast your minds to the people who are transactional in their dealings. Think of the parents who lash out at their children when they don’t get their way, saying things like “after all I’ve done for you”.

What selflessness isn’t though, is a lack of boundaries or sacrificing our needs (not wants). Selflessness requires wisdom and discernment. Selflessness is not self-sacrifice. Cutting the tree down to access fruit ends or at least delays further fruitfulness. Selflessness without sense is not a virtue or nobility; it’s vulnerability.

Why Selflessness Matters?

When we operate from a place of genuine care for the well-being of others, we enrich both our inner lives and the world around us. Selflessness is at the centre of everything that makes life worth living. It cultivates love, trust and community. It strengthens relationships, albeit romantic or otherwise. To foster genuine intimacy, there has to be a willingness to consider other people’s needs above our own every so often.

Selflessness is an act of creation. Every time we do a selfless act, we’re not just helping people, we’re creating something new. Whether it’s creating a moment of peace in the middle of someone’s storm, planting a seed of inspiration or building a bridge between people, selflessness often creates more.

Selflessness is how we change the world. People prioritising their needs and self-fulfilment rarely inspire meaningful change, movements or revivals; these are often driven by people willing to serve and commit to the bigger picture. Selfless people often inspire others; it’s contagious. When people see our willingness to serve without seeking reward or applause, something in them gets stirred.

Selflessness often brings its own quiet rewards: peace, fulfilment, joy, growth, to name a few. These come with the knowledge that we’re living well and doing right by others. I recognise that a tension exists between rewards for selflessness and selflessness itself; does the knowledge of the reward taint the act? I believe the answer to that question lies in our intention and the purity of our hearts.

Developing Selflessness

One of the beauties of being human is our capacity for change. We’re not fixed, nor do we have to be slaves to our impulses or instincts. To develop selflessness, we just need to go on a journey of growth, much like how we develop any other positive habit. In very simple terms, we just need to choose to prioritise the well-being of other people while maintaining healthy but loving boundaries.

I believe it starts with awareness, awareness that life is bigger than us individuals. Self-preservation and self-centeredness are natural; it’s human. But we need to start challenging our “Me-first” instincts. We need to develop an awareness outside of ourselves. We need to broaden the scope of our considerations when faced with decisions.

Next up is a mindset shift. Selflessness isn’t just about behaviour, it’s also about how we see ourselves, others and how we view and interact with the world. “What’s in it for me?”, “I need to look out for myself first”, “no one helped me, so why should I help”, etc, are thoughts symptomatic of a scarcity mindset. The belief that there’s abundance and overflow without a fear of depletion creates an environment for selflessness to thrive, despite the circumstances we find ourselves in.

I’d suggest checking our motives and identity. While a subsection of us who struggle with selflessness focus on lack, some of us struggle because we fear being taken for granted. Our actions are tied to recognition, applause and approval as the rewards so in absence of those, we’re unable to give/act freely. The desire for these things is so deeply ingrained that without deliberate self-reflection, we may not realise the connection to our self-esteem and sense of worth.

Another fear we have when it comes to selflessness and giving freely is a fear of being used and/or abused, which is very fair and understandable from my perspective. But note that selflessness doesn’t mean saying yes to everything and everyone, sacrificing ourselves in the process. We need to set firm but healthy boundaries, through wisdom and discernment, to protect our capacity to give.

Proximity also influences how, what and why we give. From a distance, it’s “easy” to be indifferent to the needs of others but the more connected we are to people’s stories and struggles, the more compassionate we become. Some of us don’t take action until the problems are on our doorstep, but just because it doesn’t impact us directly doesn’t mean we shouldn’t act.

How many times have we experienced or observed someone finally “getting it” when they connected deeper and shared a lived negative experience? Distance causes us to rely on assumptions rather than developing a genuine understanding. My suggestion is that we get closer to people. Listen. Ask questions. Develop compassion. Be a part of their story.

On the topic of getting closer, spend time with selfless people! Earlier, I stated that selflessness is contagious. Just like spending time with ambitious people sparks something within us, spending time with selfless people can influence our characters. Watching selflessness play out in real life, not just in theory, helps us understand the strength behind it and build our conviction.

In parallel to building our compassion and conviction, to be selfless we have to develop a heart posture of service. From a place of love and humility, selflessness requires a readiness to respond to the needs of others. Guilt, obligation, applause etc are motivators to act but they don’t embody selflessness. Developing a heart posture of service ensures our selflessness is constant and sustainable.

Ultimately, to be selfless we just have to be selfless. Small, daily sacrifices will help build the muscle over time. Volunteering, serving in church, letting someone go ahead of us in a queue, helping a stranger with their shopping bags - small acts of giving and putting other people’s needs ahead of ours trains us to be less self-centered, embodying what it means to be selfless.

Concluding

In writing this newsletter, I’ve come to believe that inner abundance is the only way to be truly selfless. Our heart posture determines whether what we do is from a place of selflessness or not. Selflessness is a form of generosity birthed from the knowledge that our cups are already full (and overflowing). It’s recognising that the more we pour from an overflowing cup, the more that cup seems to refill.

That being said, it’s important we acknowledge that not every person who struggles to be selfless is selfish. Sometimes past pain gets in the way. Experiences of being used, abused or unappreciated can build walls around our hearts, causing us to protect what’s in there, not realising we’ve imprisoned blessings that should flow through us. To that I’d say selflessness may also require healing, healing to move from fear to freedom.

Applause is not proof of selflessness. Sometimes the silent sacrifices are the most profound. Selflessness can also be deeply subjective, only God and we ourselves truly know the motives behind our actions. Instead of trying to appear selfless, I invite you today to be selfless. Be like the tree that offers it’s fruit for the benefit of others.

As always, make a decision that future you will be grateful for.

Until next time,

CT