Value of Good Counsel

Filtering through the Noise, Separating the Wheat from the Chaff

Looking back on my life, a significant part of the journey was (and is) influenced and ultimately determined by the counsel received when making decisions, more importantly, whether I heeded wise counsel or ignored it and whether I heeded poor counsel, or ignored that too. Counsel is almost always available from qualified or unqualified people to provide it. I have made terrible decisions and fantastic decisions as a result of counsel received. I have made money and lost money as a result of counsel. To be transparent here, even my current career path is due to counsel received. While I have absolutely no regrets (ZERO) in life, I do have some key learnings.

Congratulations on making it to week 12 of 2024! I think by now we all acknowledge the pace at which our days fly by is as fast as it’s ever been so I have a question for you:

Are you concerned, indifferent or excited at the speed at which our days are flying by?

Personally, I’m an amalgamation of all three (not me copping out of my question). I’m concerned because every so often I feel like I’m wasting time and it’s getting away from me. Also because my daughter is growing up FAST and it’s like “Slow down please”. While she’s still very young, I now understand why a lot of our parents struggled with accepting our transition from childhood to adulthood. I’m indifferent because it is a timely reminder that every moment counts so remember to live in the present. Complaining daily about how little time we have and how fast it’s going but not making any changes to how we spend said limited is pointless. In everything we do, in every moment, remember to be intentional and to be present. I’m excited because I know what is coming my way is AMAZING and will NOT miss me. Also because it means that regardless of how tough a season might seem/feel, I take comfort in the knowledge that it ends soon and a better season is right around the corner. It’s all about perspective.

With that being said, we have to be intentional about seeking and heeding wise and Godly counsel. Time is of the essence and we can’t afford not to be able to identify when we’re getting poor counsel. Every decision we make (or don’t make) accumulates and determines the outcome of our lives and counsel influences the decisions we make. Previously, I would speak to friends, qualified or not, asking them for advice and guidance when I was unsure what to do. This wasn’t necessarily a problem until I realised that sometimes people just tell us what they think we want to hear. It takes a certain kind of person to speak objectively and tell us what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear. It takes a certain kind of person to override that fear of conflict or upsetting us to tell us when we are the architects of our own misfortune as opposed to feeding our egos. 

First, let’s explore what counsel is.

The word ‘Counsel’ has multiple meanings but in this specific context, it refers to wisdom, insights and guidance offered by people we trust to help us navigate particular situations and steer us towards better choices and outcomes. Counsel and advice are often used interchangeably but counsel is a lot more expansive. It’s about seeking perspectives beyond ours and tapping into collective wisdom. In an ideal world, it’s about using the knowledge of those who have already walked this road to navigate it better. Good counsel can be the difference between success and failure, fulfilment and frustration, development and regression.

Okay but why is it important to seek good counsel?

Perspective

We all have blind spots and biases that cloud our judgment. Our emotions, trauma and ego impact our ability to make sound judgement calls. Seeking counsel from others provides a different perspective, helping us see situations more clearly and objectively. It helps us to balance our biases, gain clarity, explore alternative courses of action we may not have considered and build empathy. By exposing ourselves to other people’s experiences, challenges and viewpoints, we gain insight into different ways of thinking and being.

Validation

Uncertainty is a natural part of life and it’s normal to feel unsure or hesitant about our decisions, especially in times of change or transition and when said decisions have far-reaching, long-lasting consequences. Seeking counsel before making a decision can provide reassurance in those moments of uncertainty. It can validate our concerns or instincts or affirm our chosen course of action. Counsel can give us the confidence required to trust our intuition and move forward with our plans. Conversely, it can help us refine our thoughts via constructive feedback and suggestions for improvement.

Accountability

In the process of seeking counsel, sharing our goals, plans and intentions with others creates a sense of commitment and accountability. We are more likely to commit when we vocalize our intentions to trusted advisors or people we hold in high regard in order to maintain our integrity and credibility in their eyes. In addition to this, when we share our aspirations with people with a vested interest in us, our growth and our development, they are likely to provide positive reinforcement and support which strengthen our accountability by fostering resilience and determination. Knowing someone believes in us could be the difference between quitting and persevering.

How do we determine whether counsel is good or poor? Discernment. The Bible speaks about the importance of discernment often, for different purposes. However, here are some things to look out for when it comes to counsel:

Objectivity

A critical aspect of good counsel is that it needs to be free from bias, conflict of interest or hidden agendas. Good counsel is impartial and objective. We need to discern if the counsel received is actually in our best interests despite how difficult or painful it may be to hear. It also shouldn’t take a short-term view; just because it feels right right now doesn’t mean it’s good for us. Good counsel should not feed our egos. We also need to be aware of counsel that prioritizes the other person’s gain or agenda over our well-being and/or goals.

Values & Principles

If the counsel received doesn’t align with our core values and principles, our long-term goals or best practices in the relevant domain, we just need to say thank you and add it to the junk folder in our minds. Good counsel is also consistent i.e. it shouldn’t contradict itself or lack coherence and reliability. In the event we receive counsel from multiple sources on the same topic, consistency in the message received could be an indication of credibility and validity. For the people of faith reading this, counsel that goes against religious teachings is a non-starter.

N.B.: Chances are if we seek counsel from different people of the same ilk, there will be consistency in the messaging. So if we seek counsel from wayward people, expect consistency in the wayward responses.

Empowerment

Good counsel should empower us to take ownership of our choices. It should encourage critical thinking, autonomy and personal growth as opposed to telling us what to do and encouraging differing accountability to others. Good counsel empowers us to make informed decisions. Good counsel doesn’t dictate our actions but instead gets us to think differently by exploring our options and weighing up consequences in order for us to make informed decisions on our own.

Respect

Good counsel is communicated with respect, empathy and sensitivity towards our feelings, perspectives and boundaries. Make no mistake, I am not suggesting good counsel should be sugar-coated to avoid upsetting us, instead ensure whoever is providing counsel is actively listening, acknowledging our concerns, is supportive and nonjudgemental. Good counsel does NOT dismiss how we feel or invalidate our emotions, experiences or viewpoints. Counsel that does just that is a good indicator that the provider either lacks empathy or understanding of what they’re providing counsel on.

You know those people that “advise” us and after upsetting us say things like “you can’t handle the truth”? Yeah, let’s just mark them as spam and be on our way.

Expertise

Before even receiving counsel, a good indicator of it being good or poor is who exactly is providing the counsel. Do they have the relevant experience, knowledge, mileage, track record and expertise in the area we’re seeking guidance? It’s easy to defer to our immediate circle of friends for counsel but we need to evaluate whether they are qualified to be giving the counsel we seek. Don’t misunderstand me, even unqualified people can provide sound counsel but recognise the limitations before treating it as gospel. Sometimes it could even be a case of us realising what not to do based on the counsel they’ve given us. That’s good knowledge in my book.

Concluding

Seeking counsel is a sign of wisdom, not weakness. It’s more beneficial to admit where we lack knowledge as opposed to “faking” it. Even the Bible tells us:

Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety

- Proverbs 11:14

I’m firmly of the opinion that I do not have to repeat mistakes that have already been made, whether by me or someone else. That’s one reason I read so much, there is wisdom that has been documented for our benefit. I also seek counsel often. I recognise the limitations of my perspective, regardless of how broad it is. Thinking back to my early to mid-twenties, I thought I knew everything. Good luck trying to get through to me. But as life lifed, I was fed humble pie from all angles till I had to admit to myself that my store of knowledge was severely lacking. That was one of the realisations that fundamentally changed my life and how I interact with the world.

Every so often I meet or interact with people who believe they have things all figured out. They make these sweeping statements based on assumptions and a VERY limited source of information. I feel bad for them, genuinely. To me, one of the hallmarks of wisdom and intelligence is recognising how little we actually know and understand. My favourite question to ask them, just so I get to watch them squirm and waffle:

“How do you know?”

As always, make a decision that future you will be grateful for.

Have a great week!

CT