Importance of Relationship Alignment

Moving in Sync is NECESSARY in ALL our Relationships

I keep thinking about the importance of alignment in our relationships. With friends, partners, colleagues and even family members, I keep thinking about how crucial alignment is to the success of the relationship (and my peace of mind). Have you ever felt like you’re in a car with someone but while you’re pressing down on the accelerator, they’re pulling up the handbrake?

I experienced something earlier this year, akin to betrayal that had me feeling unsettled for a while. I’ve since made peace with it though, I realise now that we were misaligned on the nature of our relationship and what respect means to both of us. It got me thinking about relationships we have with people - not just romantic - and how we seem to naturally be on the same page with some people whereas with others there’s a lot more resistance.

What is Relationship Alignment?

On the surface, relationship alignment is a state of having a shared understanding of values, goals, vision and life direction with someone or people around us. It’s when our core beliefs and priorities complement each other. When we’re aligned in our relationships, we dance to the same beat even though the steps may be different.

When we’re aligned, the music plays and we move in sync. There’s no awkwardness and no stepping on toes instead we respect each other’s movements and create a beautiful shared experience. When we’re misaligned however, it’s like one of us is ballroom dancing while the other is doing the azonto. There’s a frustrating struggle to find harmony and we’re unsure how to navigate the situation.

Our relationships function in much of the same way. When we’re aligned, it feels almost effortless and things flow. We might miss a beat here or there but we remain in sync. The music represents the foundation of our relationships; the shared values, beliefs, priorities, vision and understanding. The dance represents our interactions and how we navigate life and its challenges.

Why is Relationship Alignment Important?

Relationships are multifaceted and the importance and nature of alignment evolve according to the nature of our connection. Not every relationship needs the same level of alignment but every relationship requires some degree of alignment to function well. I’ve tried to narrow down some core dimensions essential across all forms of relationships to reflect their importance:

Values

Values are the fundamental principles that guide our lives. Out of our values comes our character i.e. our thoughts and actions represent our core values which can be interpreted as our character. All our relationships are built on shared or respected values. They don’t necessarily have to be identical, but our values need to have a healthy coexistence for a harmonious relationship.

Honesty, integrity, transparency, kindness, respect, and loyalty are some examples of where we tend to find common ground. Often, when any are violated, it’s an uphill climb to get back into alignment and often difficult to establish or reestablish trust. I referenced an experience I had earlier, unfortunately I was left questioning his character.

Shared values are crucial for any relationship as they define the guidelines of the relationship; kind of like terms and conditions. Knowing we share values with someone gives us a level of confidence they will act in a consistent, predictable and reliable way, i.e., within our expectations. This is the bedrock of trust and understanding.

A key reason we’re encouraged to find love and build community with people of faith is because there is a preexisting baseline of shared values; the Bible. 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 (NIV):

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”.

Communication

Every relationship requires effective communication. Whether it’s a parent correcting a child, a partner expressing their emotions, challenging a friend’s behaviour or navigating difficult conversations with a colleague, effective communication is vital. Communication isn’t limited to self-expression, it’s also the ability and capacity to actively listen and receive.

Communication is practically the lifeline of any relationship. Without it, relationships are unable to thrive and can just about survive. Honest and open dialogue is necessary and should never be or feel one-sided. Active listening is essential and by that, I mean listening to understand rather than “respond”. I’d also suggest the ability to express with clarity and honesty is also vital. Rather than saying what we mean, some of us dance around the point which leads to confusion and frustration.

Taking it one step further, emotional awareness also matters. Knowing when to speak and how to speak will do wonders for any relationship. Effective communication is an absolute necessity, it reveals if we’re truly aligned or not. It’s easy to assume we’re aligned until we dig a little deeper and realise we have different meanings of the same phrase. Think of how different people interpret the statement, “Dating with Intention”.

The Bible speaks of prioritising listening over speaking and reacting in James 1:19 (NIV):

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”

N. B.: Effective communication is also necessary for conflict resolution. Conflict as sad as it is to admit, is pretty much inevitable in any relationship. We don’t need to agree on everything, but we should be able to disagree without friction or hard feelings. That reflects alignment.

Empathy

We NEED to be able to understand and value the perspectives, emotions and experiences of other people. Personally, I love people who are unable to see beyond their perspectives from a distance. Empathy is like an emotional bridge between people, fostering a sense of understanding and validation. It’s more than just listening, it’s being able to connect with someone else’s experience.

I’ve found that people struggle with the delineation between understanding and agreeing. You may not necessarily agree with how someone has found themselves in a situation but the ability to understand how they did will serve the relationship well. Empathy naturally leads to compassion which enables support during difficult times. Empathy allows us to share in people’s joy but also embrace their sadness.

Our life experiences are unique to us and our ability to feel what others feel helps with alignment in our relationships. Empathy is vital for deep alignment and connection. A lack of empathy often leaves us feeling cold and tense. Empathy is also important for emotional safety. Knowing someone is capable of empathy makes us feel safe to express our true feelings without fear of judgment or dismissal.

Apostle Paul speaks of Empathy in Romans 12:15-16 (NIV):

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”

Reciprocity

Regardless of the nature of the relationship, reciprocity is crucial. Let me use this opportunity to make it clear that reciprocity is NOT transactional. Reciprocity in this context represents both people contributing to the relationship in meaningful ways. We live in a society which has become more and more self-serving but I believe our relationships would be significantly better and more fulfilling if we sought to serve each other more than our self-interests.

I repeat, reciprocity is NOT transactional (except in the workplace of course) but rather a foundation set where both parties are giving and receiving, ensuring both feel valued, respected and supported. There’s no keeping score but rather a conscious effort by both people to pour into the relationship but also ensure we’re pouring in in ways that actually matter. There can and never will be a 50/50 split.

There can’t be a 50/50 split because who is spending time assigning metrics to effort? What’s more important is balance and a willingness to give without the expectation to receive. Firm boundaries (more below) protect us from overextending ourselves and pouring from an empty cup. Reciprocity is important as it is key to feeling fulfilled in our relationships. Reciprocity ensures the burden of responsibility of maintaining the relationship is shared.

I’d like to offer an alternative perspective that “doing to others what you would have them do to us” is based on reciprocity. Matthew 7:12 (NIV):

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets”

Boundaries

Mutually respected boundaries make it easier to navigate relationships. They ensure we retain our individuality regardless of the depth of our connection and despite us being an interdependent species, without respected boundaries, relationships can become imbalanced. I propose that a key source of breakdowns in relationships is due to “minor”, unchecked violations of boundaries that compound over time.

Constant violations of boundaries often lead to resentment, frustration and eventually withdrawal with the imbalance within the relationship leading to one party feeling unappreciated. This is evidenced by romantic relationships where a partner provides emotional support but doesn’t receive it back or a friend who constantly expects immediate availability in their time of need but is rarely available when needed.

Boundaries aren’t barriers, similar to values they are guardrails and guidelines that allow relationships to succeed. That being said, we need to learn to be a lot more forthcoming with our boundaries and learn to communicate them clearly and respectfully with love. It’s easier to assume people would have the same boundaries as us but history has taught us otherwise. Some people are mad.

I believe the scripture instructing us to guard our hearts is suggesting we are firm with our boundaries. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV):

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Additional Thoughts

Different relationships in our lives require different types of alignment across various dimensions and levels. For example, the alignment required in romantic relationships is significantly different to the alignment needed in friendship or with colleagues. The alignment required with family members is different to what’s needed in a business partnership. The keys here are discernment and deciding what dimensions and levels are important to us.

This is one reason why some people can “date” for an extended period but hesitate to get into a relationship. This is why we also need to be careful in what dimensions we “agree to disagree”. Agreeing to disagree can represent a level of maturity where both people’s opinions and perspectives are appreciated but could also be signs of cracks starting to form in the foundation established.

Language used is another underrated area where alignment is important. For me, I recognise that language shapes experience and understanding. Recently someone said to me “Some days ago” and what I took to be a week ago or less, I found out was almost two months ago. This could just be me as an individual but I’m not a fan of ambiguity or vagueness as it allows room for manipulation.

Conflict resolution was a footnote earlier but I think it’s worth sharing my thoughts on it. Due to our childhood and earlier life experiences, often (not always) we fit into one of two boxes. Some of us want to address conflict head-on, in the moment so we can move forward quickly. Some of us avoid conflict or would rather address it in our own time. To me, neither is right or wrong (though one is labelled “confrontational” which comes with negative connotations).

Alignment on how conflict is resolved could be one of the key ingredients to a thriving relationship. Alignment isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about navigating it in a way where the relationship is strengthened rather than weakened. Unresolved conflict and unhealthy conflict resolution often lead to resentment and disconnection. Sadly like everything else, they compound till someone has “had it”.

A final word on conflict resolution, it’s not about “giving in” which on paper and in the short term may seem worthwhile to “keep the peace”. “Giving in” I would suggest perpetuates the cycle of avoidance and by surrendering we allow a dangerous precedent to be set where how we feel or what we think is put on the back burner. This is by no means suggesting we should butt heads like two bulls, but rather acknowledging there’s no martyrdom to be gained from sacrificing our needs. The heat of the battle may not be the right time but using discernment, we can find and agree on the right time.

Concluding

Romans 12:18 (NLT): “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone”. I’m not going to lie to you, some people just make it so DIFFICULT to live in peace. Have you ever found yourself thinking about someone and the recurring thought is, “now why would you behave like that?”.

The relationships in our lives either help us progress in our life journey, keep us stagnant or pull us back. I would suggest they either help us progress or pull us back, there is no such thing as “stagnant”. We are constantly losing time and time spent “stagnant” leaves us behind relative to time. We desire to live with intention and push forward to where we want to be, we cannot afford to stay in misaligned relationships.

Relationship alignment isn’t just about getting along, it’s about moving in tandem. It’s not about mirroring each other but finding a rhythm that allows for both people to move forward together. Whether it’s family, friendship, romantic relationships or even professional relationships, it has to work for both. The quality of our lives is deeply impacted by the quality of our relationships, I cannot stress the importance of alignment.

I hope you gained some value from reading this, I’ll catch you in the next one. As always, make a decision that future you will be grateful for.

Have a great week!

CT

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